Whether you're shy and uncomfortable in social situations or the most seasoned extrovert, everyone can use a few tips to increase their social likability. These tips use basic psychology and will give you the edge in any social situation from mingling at a cocktail party to a job interview to office politics to dating.
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This may be easier said than done, but assuming confident body language goes a long way towards great first (or second, third, one hundredth) impressions. People like confident people. We find them more reliable, trustworthy, and attractive.
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This isn’t because their eye color is important, but by taking a moment to look and make note of it, you will be giving the perfect amount of eye contact. We all know eye contact is important in social situations. Too much is creepy and uncomfortable, and not enough makes us seem shifty and untrustworthy.
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Mirroring someone’s body language is an effective way to gain rapport. Don’t overdo it in a distracting way, but subtly assume the same overall body postures. A person who stands at a distance with his arms crossed is less likely to feel comfortable with someone who stands close and uses broad open arm gestures.
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I forget names the instant I’m introduced to someone. It’s terrible. Experts recommend using the person’s name a couple of times right away to reinforce it in your mind. This has an added benefit of making the person like you more! People like to hear their name. It makes us feel important.
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Don’t like meeting new people or speaking in front of a crowd? Pretend you’re A-OK with it. You can trick your own brain out of its anxiety by acting like you’re comfortable in any given situation. If meeting new people makes you anxious, pretend you already know all these people. You will appear more at ease, which will make you more likable to the new people. It’s a win-win!
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When you approach a group of people, notice if they turn their feet towards you when you join the group. If they do, you are welcome. If they turn their bodies or heads but keep their feet pointed away from you, then you are not welcome or have interrupted at an inopportune time.
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If a person has not completely answered your question, or hasn’t come around to see your point yet, try remaining quiet when they finish talking. Your silence will compel them to continue talking.
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If you expect to have a conflict with someone, seat yourself next to that person rather than across from them. Your position is less oppositional, and the person next to you is less likely to feel as threatened. This technique is handy to remember in conference rooms, or even your Thanksgiving table!
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This one seems weird, but if it’s good enough for Ben Franklin, it’s good enough for us. Benjamin Franklin conducted an experiment where he asked people he had just met to do him a small favor. The findings show that people are more apt to like you because their brain will rationalize that they must already like you if they’ve done you a favor. This can be a small ask. Ask someone the time, or if they could please pass you a napkin from the bar, or ask someone’s opinion about something.
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You can trick your brain to reduce the nerves. Our brains are wired to believe that we are safe if we are eating. After all, cavemen wouldn’t sit down to a meal if they were being chased by a bear. Don’t chew gum during your interview or audition, but a piece of gum while you wait might help ease your anxiety.
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People want to be heard and validated. One way to show that you’re really listening is to rephrase what someone has just said. This shows that you understand, care, and are paying attention.
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When a group of people laugh together, each person instinctively glances at the person within the group they feel most connected with. Want to know who is secretly sleeping together, or who is on the top or bottom of the social hierarchy? Check out where everyone glances next time something hilarious happens.
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If you want your first date to stand out and be a success, try adding something genuinely exciting into the mix. The hormones released by excitement, surprise, and even fear help create a bond.
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This one can be tricky. Obviously, some touches are inappropriate. Don’t touch someone because you’re curious what they feel like, or for any sort of self gratification. But a touch on the arm or shoulder can help create warmth and intimacy. This can be especially effective during moments of excitement, laughter, and happiness. A (totally platonic) touch reinforces the good feelings.
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Body language mirroring is natural to some extent. If you want to encourage someone to agree with you, nod your head while you speak. They may find themselves nodding their heads in response, which could trick their brain into thinking it agrees with you!
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We all know that a good handshake is important. It can’t be too weak, or bone crushing, and no one likes sweaty palms. But did you know that cold hands make a bad first impression? Make sure your hands are comfortably warm when meeting people. If you tend to have cold hands, a quick trip to the restroom to wash your hands in warm water should do the trick.
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We all want to be remembered, especially if we want to stand out in the interview process. People tend to remember the beginning and the end of things better than what happens in the middle. If you can, try to arrange your interview so that you are first or last in the line of candidates.
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People like having a choice, and if you want something you will have more success if you give people choices. Rather than asking, “Would you like to donate to my cause?” try, “Would you like to make a $5 or $10 contribution?”
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The Halo Effect is a psychological phenomenon where a good impression in one area influences a person’s impression in other areas. You can use this to your advantage in a job interview, on a date, or anytime you want to make a good impression. Find something you both like or something you have in common. It doesn’t have to be a big thing like you’re both into skydiving or Star Wars. It can be anything.
“You’re from Minneapolis? My grandmother used to live there and I have the best memories of visiting that city!” Soon you’ll be talking about how great Minneapolis is, and the interviewer will feel all warm and fuzzy towards you. The Halo Effect means that those warm, fuzzy Minneapolis feelings will influence his feelings about your job qualifications.
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If you want to get people on board with an idea, be as excited and enthusiastic about it as possible. If you want a person to be excited to see you, show them your excitement to see them. Everyone falls for the dog who is so happy and excited to see his person come home. Be that dog. Show your exuberance and people will respond in kind.
If you don’t know something, admit it. If you need help with something, ask for it. This communicates humility and self-awareness, which are traits people admire in others. They’ll also know they can count on you to do something correctly, even if you’re not completely familiar with the task.
If you want someone to choose a specific option, give them a list of three choices and put the one you want them to pick last. They’ll be more likely to choose that one since it’s freshest in their mind.
In order to show that you are truly listening to someone, look at one eye, then the other eye, and then their mouth. Keep this triangular pattern going for the entire conversation. They will feel as though you’re really paying attention.
On the other hand…
If you want out of a conversation, do the opposite: Look at one eye, then the other eye, and then their forehead. This will communicate that you’re done with the conversation and have better things to do than listen to them talk.
If someone tries to loudly talk over you, just keep talking. But this is the real trick: Don’t raise your voice or change your cadence at all. Just keep talking exactly like you were doing before they tried to interrupt. They’ll feel awkward and will most likely back down.
As much as we might like to think we’re special, humans respond to operant conditioning the same way other animals do. When someone does something you like (such as your roommate doing the dishes or your significant other making the bed), thank them for it and give them a compliment. On the one hand, they’ll be pleased and become more likely to repeat the behavior. On the other hand, it’s also just a nice thing to do.
If you use phrases like “I need you to,” people will respond as though you are in a position of authority (even if you really aren’t). You can also choose to phrase it as “we need *blank* to happen” if you want to get something without pulling the full authority card.
You can get very far in life if you’re holding a clipboard and walking with purpose. Nobody thinks to stop the person with a clipboard who clearly is in the middle of an important task. Take advantage of it.
When walking on a crowded sidewalk, don’t make eye contact with people who are in your way. Rather, look above and behind them in the direction you’re trying to go. They’ll subconsciously take the cue and move out of your way.
The idea behind this psychological trick is to dangle something someone wants in front of them. If you see someone at the bar you want to approach, keep your first interaction brief — introduce yourself, ask a few questions, then say, “I have to go back to my friends, but let’s talk later about [something you just talked about].” The person will automatically start to look forward to your next interaction and may even seek you out themselves.
Working on a group project? If you want someone to do something, start by asking them, “Can you get started on this?” Getting started on something sounds like less work than actually completing a task, but chances are that once they’ve gotten started, they’ll go ahead an finish it.
If you’re giving a presentation in front of a loud crowd, there’s a fail-safe method for getting them to be quiet. Simply start mouthing words and gesturing as though you’re already talking. They’ll see you and quiet down almost immediately.
Do you ever get the feeling that you forgot something at your house — maybe you left the oven on, or your straight iron plugged in? In order to combat this feeling, use the “point and call” method. When you turn off the oven, physically point at it and say out loud: “The oven is off.” Later, you’ll remember doing this and give yourself peace of mind.
If someone is trying to engage you in an argument, simply be polite, agreeable, and positive. Smile and say, “maybe you’re right” when they try to egg you on. Nothing takes the wind out of a jerk’s sails faster.
If you want someone to do something for you (or buy something from you), ask them and then immediately say, “you’re welcome to refuse, of course.” This quickly places them at ease rather than making them feel pressured, and can often even have the effect of them agreeing to whatever it is.
Want someone to like you? Ask them questions about themselves.
People love talking about themselves.
When you see someone you know, your eyebrows subconsciously raise, and they also raise theirs subconsciously as a way of communicating that you know each other and there is no threat.
With that in mind, you can reverse-engineer the eyebrow raise. When meeting someone for the first time, slightly raise your eyebrows and then relax into an easy smile. This will trick their subconscious into thinking they already have an established rapport with you.
If someone asks you to do something and you don’t want to (or can’t), just say “no,” or “Sorry, I can’t.” No further explanation needed. This might throw them off a bit because people usually try to give excuses for why they can’t do something. But in most cases, you don’t owe anyone an explanation, and “No” is a complete sentence.
The next time you don’t want to do something you know you’re supposed to be doing tell yourself you’ll count to five and then do the thing. This short-circuits the part of your brain that provides excuses for why it’d be better to eat ice cream instead of going to the gym.
As we’ve already said, body language is of the utmost importance. If you want to appear confident, uncross your legs and arms (but don’t go manspreading, k?). Alternatively, if you want to discourage people from approaching you, keep your arms and legs crossed to form a barrier.
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