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As the saying goes that no matter which way you slice it, this is tricky. Even outside of worrying about unwanted pregnancies or STIs, getting two people on the same page about their desires can be incredibly tricky. If you’re all about open communication, great! Congrats to you. But it’s fair to say that many people still struggle to talk openly and honestly about what exactly they want in bed — and women are often the ones who struggle with this the hardest, since they’re often taught not to be too open or not to express their desires for fear of seeming promiscuous.
It’s not that asking for what you really want in bed is hard. But most women would agree that the the timing for having that kind of conversation with their guy never seems to feel right. For example, if you ask for what you want right in the middle of the action, you risk throwing everything off. What if your partner’s not into it? Or… toointo it? Or simply doesn’t know how to do what you want the right way? But bringing up something that you want to try right after you’ve done the deed makes it seem like you didn’t enjoy what just went down. Which is often not the case. And bringing it up out of nowhere can seem forced, or awkward, and make it seem like you’re making demands. Basically, any given moment can be open to scrutiny. So many women choose to keep their secret bedroom desires on the down-low.
That’s not to say necessarily that there’s a world of moves, positions or fantasies that your partner has that she isn’t telling you. It’s just that there are certain things many women really want in bed that aren’t common knowledge and, for most guys, unless you ask her outright, these things usually won’t come up. How are you supposed to know what she wants if she’s too shy to speak up about it? Since you’re not a mind reader, we did some digging to get to the bottom of what women really want in bed (that they don’t always vocalize).
Here’s what the experts have to say about the moves, positions and toys she might be secretly hoping you’ll incorporate into your bedroom routine.
1. Pleasure. Of course.
The trick is that pleasure is situation-specific. Like tickling: if you’re in a flirty frame of mind, your Certain Special Someone starts tickling you, that has the potential to feel fun and potentially even lead to some nooky. But if you’re feeling frustrated and annoyed with that same Certain Special Someone and they try to tickle you … you just want to punch them in the face.
It’s the same sensation (tickling), but a different perception. It’s either fun or annoying (or some variation thereof) because the context is different — your state of mind, the state of your relationship. And that’s normal. No one would ever judge or blame you for not wanting to be tickled while you’re feeling annoyed, right? So when I say, “Women want pleasure,” what I mean is we want to be in situations that facilitate pleasure. It’s not just the way your partner touches you that gives you pleasure; it’s the context in which the touching happens.
2. A Master. Or a servant. Or both … at the same time!
In the research, it’s called “Love/Emotional Bonding Cues.” In novels, it’s more heteronormatively called The Hero. A lot of romance novels are about a “masterful” hero “dominating” the heroine … but if you read closely you’ll find that the romance novel version of “masterful” is an awful lot like the real life version of “personal assistant.” He protects her, feeds her, prioritizes her pleasure above his. He takes care of the little details of life so that she doesn’t have to worry about them — orders her drink, chooses her clothes, buys her a car … then ties her to the bed and gives her four orgasms.
Who wouldn’t want that? Somebody to just remove all those stressors that hit the brakes, remove all the responsibility you carry around with you all day, every day? Who wouldn’t want someone you can trust with your body, who wants nothing more in life than to make you melt with pleasure? A context where a woman can trust her partner so profoundly that she can let go of control is a context where she feels safe inside her own body, and all the brakes are off.
3. To be passionately courted
In romance novels — and in the research — the hero wants the heroine with a laser-focus. He doesn’t just want intimacy, he wants her and only her. He sees what’s extraordinary about her, he worships her body completely. He understands her as no one else does.
In the research, this shows up as “feeling desired versus feeling used by your partner,” “feeling ‘accepted’ by your partner;” and has to do with the “style of approach/initiation and timing.” Focused, special attention that shows you the partner was thinking about you when you weren’t there, that they understand your needs and desires.
This “understanding your needs and desires” thing is complicated, right? In romance novels, the hero just magically knows what the heroine wants and needs, but in real life, we have to tell our partner what we want and like, and we have to say it in a way that allows them to feel empowered and self-confident.
4. Confidence. Our own and our partner’s
Confidence comes from knowing what’s true about your body. That comes from education and from practice. What’s true about your body will be different from what’s true about your partner’s body. Neither person is “right” or “wrong,” we’re just all different. There are many humans alive on earth, and confidence comes from knowing what happens to be true about our own individuality.
Your partner’s confidence is just as important as your own. You want to communicate honestly and openly about what you like, what you want, and what you’d like to try — or not try. And if you’re afraid that, in being honest, you might hurt your partner’s feelings or make them feel insecure or defensive … you’ll hesitate to say anything. You may even hide your desires. Worst of all is when an insecure partner judges a woman for wanting or liking what she wants and likes, for doing the things she’s done, for having the thoughts and feelings she has.
A couple’s ability to appreciate each other’s bodies and welcome them as they are is at the core of all the first three things women want. Mutual acceptance creates a context that facilitates pleasure, that lets you turn off the brakes, that makes you feel worshiped.
5. Joy
Joy is loving what’s true about our bodies. Sometimes that’s easy, sometimes it’s not. Since most of us have been taught to expect that our bodies are “supposed” to look and behave in ways that are totally unnatural (because: patriarchy, ugh), a lot of us struggle to love ourselves as we are. We’re all in process, all the time, of learning and relearning that our bodies are beautiful and powerful precisely as they are. And this process is just that important little bit easier when our partner openly loves what’s true about our bodies.
You just need to understand that women aren’t that complicated. We want to feel good; we want to feel safe and protected; we want to be the object of intense, specific desire; and we want to understand ourselves and to embrace ourselves as we are. These are just universal human desires. Simple — though not always easy, especially in a culture where women are told daily that they’re broken, flawed and unlovable. All we need is the right context, and our desire for intimacy, our pleasure in it will expand like a flame meeting air.
Source: Ask Men/ Mind Body Green
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